FEAR.
So here's some truth
- I have always struggled with fear. I'm sure there's some deep seeded environmental/psychosocial (blah blah blah) explanation for it. But unlike what I usually would do, I'm not going to psychoanalyze it today. The fact of the matter is that satan has been hittin me hard since I was a wee little one. As I grew up and certain developmental events or just stufff happened, my fear quickly clung hard to guilt, and they became the greatest buddies (sarcasm), trying to make their way all the way from my tippy-toes to my thick cubanly lady eyebrows and take over all that is me.
Fear and guilt are 2 of the most overwhelming things/feelings in this broken world. They can swallow you whole in one ridiculously fast pace chain of thoughts. And sometimes they swallow you whole without even having to think about anything. I've had days where I open my eyes for the first time that morning and instantly satan is pouring it on me, its heavy, and its hard.
This past year and then summer it multiplied, big time. Coincidentally, this past year was the closest I had been to the Lord in a long time, thanks to seeing him in a totally different light through his word, and the wonderful community of Cru that has so greatly blessed me. But, this is how mr.yucky satan dude works, when your faith becomes stronger you become more of a threat, so he was hitting me hard. I was having visions/images popping up in my head the second I closed my eyes to go to sleep, that were well, terrifying. I began to sleep with the light on, every night, all summer long and dreaded the night time. Until the beginning of this school year.
REDEMPTION.
"There is no fear in LOVE, for perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." - 1 John 4:18
Faith is victory over the world.
So, I was desperate, longing for the comfort and peace of the Lord, desperate to be free from the control satan was sneaking into my life.
I had no choice but to drop to my knees and pray persistently every night (sometimes in tears) for Jesus to hold me, for Him to rid me of anything and everything that did not come from Him. I did (and still do) this every night, breathing slowly at the beginning of every prayer; breathing Jesus in, and things of this world out.
I turned the light off before I crawled into bed. The images came less frequently, I would fight them off by picturing and picture of Jesus that I have of Him with children that brings me comfort, but the bad images still came.
The Lord blesses and greatly LOVES us through community.
Steve Rieski said this wonderful thing once during our Bible in a year class, that really planted itself in my heart.
It was something like (Steve, I'm sorry if I mess this up), "Don't read the Bible looking to walk away with those fuzzy feelings or a cute moral lesson, read it with the mindset of learning about God and the character of who He is."
It might seem, "common-sensy" but to me it was like....the coolest thing.
I decided- Jesus, I want to LEARN YOU. That is all I want.
And through having that mindset about, reading the Bible, listening to sermons, I had an epiphany type thing.
Jesus, when I focus on pursuing YOU, learning YOU, wanting YOU, without even thinking about it this drives out room for fear, for doubt, for guilt, for satan.
"I'm restless til' I rest in You."
Last Sunday I woke up feeling horrible. I woke up afraid, my heart was heavy, it was racing so fast. I was shaky, and I could not explain why. I almost didn't go to church. I was afraid that because I was already feeling horrible and my heart was weak, something Pastor Kevin might say would make me feel guilty, or crappy about myself. This was not coming from the Lord, and I knew it. Someone didn't want me to go to church....(satan).
So I got my butt out of bed, and with a trembling heart, went to church.
Right before the sermon began, I felt nervous. So I prayed to the Lord, "God, all I want is to learn something about YOU through the words that come out of pastor Kevin's mouth, I want to learn You, Lord. Calm my heart so that I can hear the things You want to share with my this morning. I am making this about me, and I want it to be about YOU." I wanted to pursue Him like if this was our first date.
Well, funny how the Lord works, eh? No...not funny....AWESOME. The sermon was about the story of Jonah, and it was SO great. He ended it this....and I quote (this was a slide on the screen):
What we learned about the Character of God through this passage:
-God is a God of "second chances."
-God is not wanting anyone to perish eternally
-God is compassionate to all peoples
-God will bring about His justice
-God gives us the choice to follow Him or not follow Him.
-God's kindness leads to repentance.
WOW. Ummmm.....goosebumps? Well, I know I had them.
My hand started writing like crraaaazzyyyy. I felt like I was going to explode with JOY. I thought of a series type thing that I wanted to either blog about or share with our lifegroup, called "Learning You." This is the video we showed at our first lifegroup night with the series...
We begin by talking about learning those who we want to pursue a relationship with, how to better our relationships, how to serve, how to have healthy conflict, how to pursue etc..and then we talk about how all of it should be applied to our relationship with the Lord. That we are created for relationship. That our earthly relationship are meant to reflect our relationship with God. That we should pursue the Lord, long to LEARN HIM, and that by learning Him, we drive out room for fear and other worldly horrors.
So! I want to dedicate myself to have a weekly blog on "What I learned about Jesus this week."
I am restless til' I rest in the Lord.
Let's do this together, shall we? :) :)
I'm with you on this one girl!
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