Catching My Breath

FEAR.

So here's some truth

- I have always struggled with fear. I'm sure there's some deep seeded environmental/psychosocial (blah blah blah) explanation for it. But unlike what I usually would do, I'm not going to psychoanalyze it today. The fact of the matter is that satan has been hittin me hard since I was a wee little one. As I grew up and certain developmental events or just stufff happened, my fear quickly clung hard to guilt, and they became the greatest buddies (sarcasm), trying to make their way all the way from my tippy-toes to my thick cubanly lady eyebrows and take over all that is me.

Fear and guilt are 2 of the most overwhelming things/feelings in this broken world. They can swallow you whole in one ridiculously fast pace chain of thoughts. And sometimes they swallow you whole without even having to think about anything. I've had days where I open my eyes for the first time that morning and instantly satan is pouring it on me, its heavy, and its hard.

This past year and then summer it multiplied, big time. Coincidentally, this past year was the closest I had been to the Lord in a long time, thanks to seeing him in a totally different light through his word, and the wonderful community of Cru that has so greatly blessed me. But, this is how mr.yucky satan dude works, when your faith becomes stronger you become more of a threat, so he was hitting me hard. I was having visions/images popping up in my head the second I closed my eyes to go to sleep, that were well, terrifying. I began to sleep with the light on, every night, all summer long and dreaded the night time. Until the beginning of this school year.

REDEMPTION.

"There is no fear in LOVE, for perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. We love because he first loved us." - 1 John 4:18

Faith is victory over the world.

So, I was desperate, longing for the comfort and peace of the Lord, desperate to be free from the control satan was sneaking into my life. 

I had no choice but to drop to my knees and pray persistently every night (sometimes in tears) for Jesus to hold me, for Him to rid me of anything and everything that did not come from Him. I did (and still do) this every night, breathing slowly at the beginning of every prayer; breathing Jesus in, and things of this world out.

I turned the light off before I crawled into bed. The images came less frequently, I would fight them off by picturing and picture of Jesus that I have of Him with children that brings me comfort, but the bad images still came.

The Lord blesses and greatly LOVES us through community.

Steve Rieski said this wonderful thing once during our Bible in a year class, that really planted itself in my heart.

It was something like (Steve, I'm sorry if I mess this up), "Don't read the Bible looking to walk away with those fuzzy feelings or a cute moral lesson, read it with the mindset of learning about God and the character of who He is."

It might seem, "common-sensy" but to me it was like....the coolest thing.

I decided- Jesus, I want to LEARN YOU. That is all I want.

And through having that mindset about, reading the Bible, listening to sermons, I had an epiphany type thing.

Jesus, when I focus on pursuing YOU, learning YOU, wanting YOU, without even thinking about it this drives out room for fear, for doubt, for guilt, for satan.

"I'm restless til' I rest in You."

Last Sunday I woke up feeling horrible. I woke up afraid, my heart was heavy, it was racing so fast. I was shaky, and I could not explain why. I almost didn't go to church. I was afraid that because I was already feeling horrible and my heart was weak, something Pastor Kevin might say would make me feel guilty, or crappy about myself. This was not coming from the Lord, and I knew it. Someone didn't want me to go to church....(satan).

So I got my butt out of bed, and with a trembling heart, went to church. 

Right before the sermon began, I felt nervous. So I prayed to the Lord, "God, all I want is to learn something about YOU through the words that come out of pastor Kevin's mouth, I want to learn You, Lord. Calm my heart so that I can hear the things You want to share with my this morning. I am making this about me, and I want it to be about YOU." I wanted to pursue Him like if this was our first date.

Well, funny how the Lord works, eh? No...not funny....AWESOME. The sermon was about the story of Jonah, and it was SO great. He ended it this....and I quote (this was a slide on the screen):

What we learned about the Character of God through this passage: 

-God is a God of "second chances."

-God is not wanting anyone to perish eternally

-God is compassionate to all peoples

-God will bring about His justice

-God gives us the choice to follow Him or not follow Him.

-God's kindness leads to repentance.

WOW. Ummmm.....goosebumps? Well, I know I had them. 

My hand started writing like crraaaazzyyyy. I felt like I was going to explode with JOY. I thought of a series type thing that I wanted to either blog about or share with our lifegroup, called "Learning You." This is the video we showed at our first lifegroup night with the series...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5m3OPFVDMw

We begin by talking about learning those who we want to pursue a relationship with, how to better our relationships, how to serve, how to have healthy conflict, how to pursue etc..and then we talk about how all of it should be applied to our relationship with the Lord. That we are created for relationship. That our earthly relationship are meant to reflect our relationship with God. That we should pursue the Lord, long to LEARN HIM, and that by learning Him, we drive out room for fear and other worldly horrors.

So! I want to dedicate myself to have a weekly blog on "What I learned about Jesus this week."

I am restless til' I rest in the Lord.

Let's do this together, shall we? :) :)

Sendin' up PRAISES!

LET'S JUST PRAIIIIIISE THE LORD!!!!

Okay, I realize that I just blogged today already. 

But I just wanted to send up some praises to the Lord for the little things He does to make us smile and make us feel loved, with His GREAT LOVE, just by being Him.

First off, yesterday my dear friends Wade and Emily who I mentioned briefly in my first blog, they came to campus to give Ricky(my boyfriend) and I, a quick visit. Little did we know that the real reason they came was to surprise me with giving me a laptop. Yes, I said it, a laptop. Emily and I had lunch early this week and somehow it came up that I don't have a laptop. I'll admit it wasn't the easiest thing being an RA(which basically just means I get 6 zillion e-mails a minute) and a student, and not having a laptop. Emily must have known this. Apparently in talking to her hubby it was brought up. When explaining to me how they came to the decision to give me the laptop, Wade said this to me, "We have two, one for each, and you have none." How beautiful and selfless is that? They also said this wonderful verse from Acts inspired them to lend me the laptop...

"The community of believers was of one heart and mind, and no one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they had everything in common." Acts 4:32

Wade told me, "they share everything, so we want to share with you!" whoa, I mean..hellooo? What a blessing! I know that if they read this they probably won't be too happy about the fact that I'm ranting about them. But that is just the point THE LORD is who I want to rant about in my blogs, THE LORD inspired them to act with GREAT LOVE, and they said YES. Praise God. Thank you Emily and Wade. Thank you, Jesus!

Secondly, while working the desk two residents asked Emily (a co-RA, not the Emily from my first story) and me if we wanted some cake! Twenty minutes later they brought out the cake fresh from the oven. This was no average cake. It was beautiful and decorated with Oreos and chocolate, screaming "EAT ME! EAT ME!" I also took it as Jesus yelling down to me, "Gelly and Emily, smile! Smile! And feel loved! Feel cherished! Enjoy this yummy treat!" 

So, a shout out to Sierra and Ariell for offering us some of their cake. Thank you, girls! It made us smile :) and was soooooooooo soooo soooo yummy :) 

That's all for today! :)

How have you seen GREAT LOVE lately? It could be in the smallest things like chocolate cake, to big things like friends giving you a laptop.

Thanks for reading, friends!

Gelly :)

"Gellybelly for Jesus." Day uno!

I am SO not the “blogger” type.
Why am I doing this then.....?

hehehe :)

You see, I am not an intellectual, dying to get my words of wisdom out to the world, nor do I think I have anything really life-changing to say. My vocabulary is actually much smaller and simpler than I wish it was (lol), and I’m not interested in pointing fingers at how horribly wrong everyone else does this thing we call “life”. I am far, far from an expert.

So…a blog…what’s the point?

"How weighty and precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. I come to the end, I am still with you." Psalm 139:17



I have thoughts, a lot of them. Sometimes I forget what I was thinking 5 minutes earlier because of how quickly these super complex and awesome minds of ours are. You know what I’m talking about? Like when somehow looking at a green chair on the side of the road, or a salt shaker, or a certain street name can just take you on this craaaazy adventure with a chain of thoughts over a matter of like 55 seconds and you end up thinking about the randomest, craziest things! Well, I have a lot of those. Some are cool, some are just really weird, some are revelation-sparking, and some turn out to be nothing.

I want to start a blog simply to process life…together, you and me. I have a lot of questions and ideas. Maybe, just maybe, some of my thoughts, struggles or experiences are familiar to you. There’s that one in a million chance that something I went through, someone else will experience or experienced that same day, or the day before, or 5 years ago. We all know how comforting it is to know you’re not the only one fighting a particular battle.

Lastly, and most importantly, I want to start a blog to have somewhere where I can talk about Jesus, Love and life. I hope my main theme in all of my blogs is something I like to call “GREAT LOVE.” And if I have even just one person who reads this, and they feel even the tiniest ounce of GREAT LOVE squeeze its way into their heart because of anything I say, well I will be a very happy camper.

So, let’s do this together, shall we?

Oh, almost forgot! I got the idea to make a blog from my friends Wade and Emily. I wrote a ridiculously long facebook status about an idea I had. And they asked me, “are you gonna start a blog?” And I was like……uhhhhhhh……sure! And they said, “You should call it Gellybelly blog for Jesus.” And here I am now. Hehe! So thanks, guys!
I’ll go ahead and add in that really long Facebook status as my first official blog rant! :)

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Mother Teresa's famous quote, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love."
Well, I love this, first of all. Secondly, could it mean something deeper? I was thinking, it’s not that we’re incapable of doing "great" or "big" things, at least not by the world's standards- I think we are actually very capable of seeing "big" or "great" things happen within our world. But here's my main point or thought I guess, (ha! I promise I do have one)... God is the GREATest, His work is the truest and only real GREATness. He is GREAT. But He IS also LOVE. Not just gives love or sends love. He IS literally LOVE. They are one in the same. So! Could it be that we can do no GREAT things ourselves? In comparison to God's GREAT works, our work is no match. So in the scheme of things, any "great" work that happens here on earth is actually small, in comparison to the GREAT things God does. But for our earthly minds, they still seem great. yay! yes! this is awesome! Because we can do no GREAT things, only HE truly can do GREAT things. But! We CAN do small things with GREAT LOVE. Our work that appears GREAT here on earth, well it is because it is Him working through us. He IS Love. The only way to do GREAT earthly things (that are actually small in comparison to the greatness of God), is by doing them with "GREAT LOVE..." aka...GOD.

hhmmm. Whaddaya think?

-Gelly :)

 p.s. I promise they won't always be this long!